our hearts a home

“

Sometimes you feel so deeply that you begin to wonder if anyone will understand the depths of your heart, the range of emotions that go on behind the scenes of your face. The chaos of ideas and struggles, the ever moving cycle of “what if’s” and “why’s” that seem to entangle you in a net that never seems to go away. So you feel all the pain of those around you, you remember the ache that has lived inside you for as long as you can remember, and you wait for someone to come along and look at you, saying “You are familiar, and I want to get to know you again.”

This is what we all want, to be seen and known, to be loved deeply as we feel deeply. To breathe and exhale without the fear that someone will leave when we have turned our back. We want a love that is as steady as our own breathing, and as life giving as the air we take in.

Hold on, dear heart, hold on for the one who will see you, and know you. Who will love you with a love that is familiar; because our hearts have known too many strangers who have tried to call our hearts a pitstop, when it is a home, waiting for someone to find their way to a place that is safe.

”

– T.B. LaBerge

I will believe the truth about myself

I will believe the truth about myself

I will believe the truth about myself
no matter how beautiful it is:

I believe in my power
to transform indifference into love.
I believe I have an amazing gift
to keep hope alive in the face of despair.
I believe I have the remarkable skill
of deleting bitterness from my life.
I believe in my budding potential
to live with a nonviolent heart.
I believe in my passion to speak the truth
even when it isn’t popular.
I believe I have the strength of will
to be peace in a world of violence.
I believe in my miraculous capacity
for unconditional love.

I will believe the truth about myself
no matter how beautiful it is.

~Macrina Wiederkehr
from Seven Sacred Pauses, Living Mindfully Through the Hours of the Day

valentines day

"Love affects the body in profound ways, but it's not enough just to receive it: We must be able to generate that energy within ourselves if we are to maintain our health. To achieve this, we can't begin at self-love but at self-forgiveness… It is only in acceptance that we learn what love is. When love is the nourishment we're using to seed our soul, our lives become fertile in all areas again. There's no need to fear the future because we know that so long as constant change is life's nature, survival doesn't go to the fittest, but to the most resilient—and resiliency always resides in the richest soil.” - Dr. Habib Sadeghi

the time you have left...

mistakes. hope.

my life is full of mistakes. in 2014 i hope my life continues to be full of mistakes. i hope that in 2014 i can look at those mistakes, and embrace them as lessons, as color and layers of me. i hope that they build character and definition and that i can say i made these mistakes because i was trying. because i wasn't in my comfort zone. because not all things are perfect. because i was right where i should have been. because i'm right where i should be. because mistakes happen.

 i hope i can find a positive nature in everything. everything. in 2014 i hope i feel positive energy and radiate it out into the world. i hope it punctures the hearts of humans each and every damn day. i hope i can embrace my emotions rather than criticize them. i hope i can learn that they are a part of me. that i cannot control them, but i can control the actions that may be products of them.

i hope i learn to love me. i hope to embrace my being, my person, my soul, my body in acceptance and love rather than in frustration and judgement. i hope to love. i hope that i can look at today, rather than when and if and someday. i hope i can focus. and count. i hope i can constantly count my blessings and not count my minutes.

in 2014 i hope i find my thing, hold onto my thing. i hope i can call myself brave and that i can focus not so much on what i want to accomplish but who i want to be. i hope i can show people who and what i am. so much so that, if this is my last year, people can speak of me the same way i know myself to be, deep in my heart. the way i know myself.

photo dump

a word.

modernhepburn.tumblr.com

a word

"the capacity to love cannot be built in isolation..."

— Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D., “The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog” 

backhouse progress

we made a little progress on the backhouse this weekend.

the counter top search was on.

after exhausting our usual options for decently priced home and building materials (second use, restore, and earthwise) we took a risk and went to pius - a granite and cabinet place...one of those scary places over stuffed with product..... we got our bathroom vanity and kitchen counter tops here...so we know the drill, which is why we avoided it from the get-go.

(products from earthwise)

the drill goes like this: awesome product, many options, TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, DISGUSTING CUSTOMER SERVICE. but you get what you pay for....great INEXPENSIVE product and ZERO help. instillation sucks, the people suck, but the customers still go b/c they can get a fantastic price on a "scrap piece of quartz for their back house."

we dove (literally i was climbing on top of piles of the stuff) into a pile of quartz and granite scraps and found the perfect piece with a bullnose that just needed to be trimmed 2 inches. after being ignored for 30 minutes and almost leaving b/c i was NOT in the mood for any sort of BS on saturday, we "negotiating" a decent price (and by that i meant asked one woman who half gave us an $80 price while on the phone and speaking in quick sharp tones in a language i couldn't even begin to identify, and finally hunted another dude down who said, "uhhh $70" we replied with a "can you do anything better" and he shot back, "dude, the full slab of this is over $200...sorry, man."). the most decent interaction we've ever had there (we've been to pius COUNTLESS times...and THAT was the very best it's ever been). long story short...or still long, whatever....we walked away with a great piece of, what i call, tapioca quartz.

(the pile of scrap i climbed all over)

("tapioca" quartz and our diamond blade-sounds fancy...isn't)

after another (2nd time that day) trip to home depot we walked out with a diamond blade (to trim the quartz) and a scrap piece of $0.52 plywood and quickly the backhouse felt impressively more finished. 

(before cabinet, fridge and counter top)

(very untidy version of the cabinet/3-drawer set up with the quartz, the "during")

left to do in this space:

• caulk around counter top 
• install face plate around outlet
• purchase and install cabinet hardware 
• purchase and install light fixture (just above picture)
• purchase and install shelving for blank wall. picture something like this: 
  
  (via)
  .

words to remember

"You love so hard." 

What my friend told me as to why my heart just can’t shut off to people once I love them. It hurts. A lot.

"You love so hard."

She also said, “Don’t ask God to turn off something in you that is actually a representation of Him.” 

Wise words. 

- washingandbleach

yogi

a yogi can be defined as a person who practices yoga.

yoga, itself can be defined as a Hindu spiritual and ascetic discipline including breath control, simple meditation, and the adoption of specific bodily postures.

i mostly define it as a life saver. as a spirit healer. as a gift. as therapy. as a mode in which to become more deeply connected to all relationships and beliefs. a mode of doing things, moving, acting and living with intention and purpose. 

i can tell you my whole story, but i will not. all i will say is that yoga played a huge role in saving my life and brought me back to my relationship with god, my husband and myself. 

all of that, and i've learned some cool stuff! i've only been practicing since late april, but i hope to take a 200 hour teacher training in the spring to learn more about myself and my practice. but more on that later....here is some of my progress. most these photos are a couple of months old.