Thoughts on Marriage After Year 1: Part 3

So, it began. I've chosen to leave out details that may not only gross you out but frighten you. Andy and I became a "thing" visiting one another on the weekends, occasionally on the week days he'd drive up from Tacoma to Seattle, awkward at first we became fast "friends" and would text constantly. That's right....he had to upgrade his phone plan as we were learning one another over text while at work and in class....ridiculous.

In the meantime, I found out I'd be going to India in just a few short months. Here I was, attempting to focus on one thing (school), quickly distracted by another (word dep) and THEN further distracted by yet another distraction (Andy) from my previous distraction (world dep) which was distracting me from my original focus (school....i.e. put purpose in your life and get yo stuff together girl!) distraction, distraction, distraction. LONG story short, I had mixed emotions. I was so excited to go away for 9 weeks until I met Andy. Then I didn't know what I felt. My mom thought I was going to die in India, no one thought I was serious the entire time, and all I could think about was Andy. I pretended like I had a slew of other important things going on and there was no room for another "boy" but I fooled no one, not even myself. I FOOLED NO ONE!

By the time my trip had come, we had gone on our first official date, decided through and in meeting Justin Klump (and thanks to a wrestling match with Noah Bailey) that we were "official," and I somehow weaseled him into driving to Ellensburg to meet my parents and brother. The day I boarded the plane to leave for 9 weeks, I frightened my team and the Missions Leader by sobbing all the way onto the plane and then some. I spent 9 weeks writing Andy daily (a book-literally-that took me a year and then some to give to him) and telling my "Team India" team members that I was going to marry him.

Their response was something like,

"How long have you guys been dating???"

"Sort of 4 months"

"....uh...and you want to marry him? You're crazy."

My trip was amazing. To this day I say to myself roughly 4378 times/week, "I want to go back to India" or "I miss India." However, there was NOTHING like coming home to Andy. My mom has since told me that she instructed my dad to let Andy hug me first. I don't know if they knew it but I did...this was it. In knowing, I knew...how cheesey...it was it. IT WAS IT.

I remember the first time my best friend Katie thought she was in love, she just kept asking me how it felt to love Andy and to her dismay and irritation I told her I couldn't adequately describe it. I just didn't have words, nor did I doubt or have to think twice. I didn't have to fight with the way I felt (except in the beginning when I had to pretend that it DIDN'T bother me that I was leaving Andy for 9 weeks RIGHT at the beginning of our relationship...)I just knew that it was it. They say you'll know when your wedding dress is the right one, or you'll just know in your gut if you're having a baby boy or a baby girl...you'll just know. And I did. I knew, I still know, and sure-at times there were "fireworks" and yada yada, but mostly I just have this calm contentment and solidarity that cannot be felt in the same way by anyone else. I honestly feel such a deep-rooted sense of love and happiness that it's painful sometimes-mushy, cheesey, the whole bit. It's terribly uncomfortable and vulnerable, but here it is.

Relationship after failed, annoying, stressful, curious, exciting, failed relationship-it just happened. I literally told myself I wasn't wasting anymore time on dudes and the next one was going to be the guy. THE guy. He was. Weird. He was. I actually, somehow called it...sorta or something. Meeting Andy was like this total breath of fresh air. It was real. That's the thing-real. It wasn't fairy tail, technicolor, over the top. There wasn't anything to hide or stories to make-up to impress my parents. There wasn't any convincing necessary. It just was.

Yes, it was and still is exciting. Yes, we had the "wow, bang boom" but that's not what it is, or even was about. I can sit with Andy and feel like I'm sitting alone. Not in a lonely way, but just in a way that is so beyond comfortable it's effortless. Again, it just is. I hate to be totally dependent on another, however that piece of me that is Andy is something that makes me who I am. Not completes me, but adds to me. It's something that I don't sleep well without. It's something that I can do anything around (I really mean anything...). I don't have to watch what I say, for when we disagree it's just getting to know one another even further. I don't have to worry when he acts this way or that-as I know his actions....they are almost mine....which is probably why most of them are SO irritating!

Don't get me wrong. Meeting the person you're to spend the rest of your life with (*note, not "the person of your dreams" as I believe this doesn't exist) and tying those lives together is work. My sister has witnessed breakdowns that include the outward slander of Andy and the anger I felt-at the time-for him. It isn't always pretty. Nothing is exactly as it seems and it generally speaking, isn't level and may never be. However, my sister also stood next to me as I committed the rest of my days to Andy. She, and many others, have seen and heard the good and the bad.

As "one" as I feel with Andy, I am still me and he is still...he. We still have lives completely separate. Lives that even though we're closer than close than close is to close, we will never be able to understand about the other...but that's the blessing. The difference that make us who we are form who our children will be, how our home will run, and how our relationship will last. I have my best friend. I do. I never really knew what a best friend was until I met Andy. No offence to my girls...you know I love you to no end...and you're my besties in a way Andy cannot be, but it's different. It's a connection-marriage, that is indescribable. Well I guess I could use words like, annoying, difficult, blissful, impressive, disgusting, irritating, beautiful, and on and on but in the end-these are just words. It's all just words.

Peace and Love,


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