do you have an old self? that person you look back and say, "oh, hey...i remember you! those were good times!" i look back at who i was 8 years ago, 5 years ago 3 years ago and am amazed at the changes. good, sure. bad, of course. different, very. sometimes, i miss my old self.

that fun loving side of me that would do almost anything spur of the moment. that side of me that didn't have to wake up so dang early for a job...just a job. that side of me that was ok where i was but was so excited for the future-that wanted to grow-up. that side of me that stressed out, but still found time for peace, for working out, for keeping up with old and distant friends. that side of me that sometimes cared a little less....about all the little things.

what happened to that person? sure, sure, i've always been a stress case-school almost killed me for the love of pete! i've always been a worrier-concerned about what will happen when, how, who will be involved. but now, i worry about everything. i worry so badly, small moments of peace are ruined by anxious feelings. now, i don't do anything because i'm so mentally and physically drained during the week-the introverted person inside of me is becoming all of me and i need only to plug in at home and recharge just to prepare for another weekend of work...and doing nothing. now, sure i'm excited for what is to come, but i long for the times that were not so "grown-up"-the times where i didn't have to worry about mortgages, or insurance, or feeding the dogs, or keeping the house clean, or small talk, or waking up at 5:40 with just enough time to throw myself together for work, all the while thinking how i wish i would have slept more last night.

i'm joyful on the weekends. most weekends. we do fun things, act like kids again, sleep in, enjoy hard working sundays and relaxing saturdays. some weekendsthough, some weekends i need that recharge. i need to avoid all house projects. i need to just walk my dogs, hang out with my husband, enjoy brunch at via trib on a sunday or a bottle glass of wine on a friday. but most weekends are full of so many to-dos that are impossible to get done during the week, ya know-with me getting home at 330p and getting the house an dinner in gear and andy not getting home until 8p.....oh! how life has gotten the better of us. our dogs are locked up 8 hours a day without a potty break which leaves US locked up for the remainder of the day. my job has me in shackles-a schedule i love when i'm off at three and one i hate when i don't have the energy to do anything with that time after 3 (outside of the dog situation).  life.

oh the days...when i would just save up my dollars and go for a trip-when that's what i had to worry about. real life has taken over. we've traded nights out for our pets, that saved money has been traded in for a home and a remodel. those  trips, vacations, seeing the world, traveling-that stuff i used to live for has long since been exchanged for business ownership and bill-paying. all blessings i their own right, but challenges at that.

i try to be a "live in the present" type person. I try not to plan toooooo far ahead (even tho that little girl that dreamt of weddings, families, college graduation, etc still thrives deep inside somewhere) for fear of disappointment when things don't turned out as planned. i haven't ever, until this time in my life, looked back and said "oh geeeeeezzz, high school was so great! i miss HS kirty!" or "wow, times at CWU were fun, a little carefree, i had a good time!" or "oh my early seattle days! i miss you!" and now...now...that's where i am. I'm looking back and going-i miss the fun. i hate the responsibility i'm living in, that responsibility i once desired more than anything. i've exchanged weekends full of dinners, dancing and drinking for lonely nights at  home with an endless list of to-dos while the husband is off working. looking back and wishing i had that sweet saved up cash for my dream trip to thailand with kelsey or hilary. wishing i had the energy and desire to go out on a wednesday night, even though the dogs will need to extend their 8+ hours in the crate to 12 for the day and i have to wake up for class work at 540a.

it's strange how life does this. and maybe it's my personality, my brain, never content, always wondering if it'll be like this forever. always afraid that i'm doing something wrong. unsatisfied, then looking forward to the future and not being able to wait. once there, equally dissatisfied. the devil working hard in my soul to make me miserable. will it end? how will it end? will i get back to that point of carefree happiness. of semi-contentment. will i get a new job i love and feel that sweet satisfaction of drive, of motivation? finish my house and just work or caring and tending for it with love, rather than digging at it with anger? will the agency balance itself out and give me my husband back? will we backpack around europe like we promised? will i get my girls trip? if all these things happen-will i still be right back where i am...with a slew of different needs? will i again feel this emptiness of "whats next?"

i think it's time to refocus my life. have y'all had to do this? i feel as if i've had to do this 2 or 3 times in my past. going away for a week to recenter myself. refocus on what i know i love. on those things that feed my soul. my last trip was india 4 years ago. FOUR YEARS AGO. i was a completely lost person prior to india. i was able to find myself again and come home refreshed, in a new relationship, with new beginnings. i think back often to that time in my life. a time of needing renewal. and i find myself there again. the gray of seattle. the dust covered home (stupid back yard!) i clean daily. the hum drum of my work-always challenging but never fulfilling. i need a refresher. i need time away from the distractions of life. the fbs and tvs and wants,wants,wants. i need to find my inspiration again-from dance, from art in the form of painting, sewing, decorating, planning-yes, my inspiration.

i apologize for my vent-this morning has been a long one. i literally woke up on the wrong side of the bed-flipped over in a direction i never face. my bed...that stupid bed, extra cozy just tempting me to stay and cuddle, my dogs pleasantly waiting for their breakfast, my mood dark and stormy....

No comments:

Post a Comment