It...is Christmas Eve. Somehow, the month of December has disappeared. Where it went, I haven't a clue but I do know this, it went too fast. As we near the end of yet another year, I am brought to the place, the same place, that I tend to visit annually around this time. No, not Colorado. Not Yakima. Not my bed for at least a straight week following finals. This is a place of reflection. A place where I am spun into thinking about the events of the past year. A place where I am subconsciously forced into a mindset that can't stop me from thinking what I want to do differently the "next time around."
This year, however, is different. I've been alone much of the month of December. Spending time at work...which is no more to me right now than just that....work, and then home with the pup allows for a great portion of time to think. Time to marinate on the good, bad, pretty and ugly of the past year. Time to reflect. This year was stressful. This year was magnificent. This year was full of surprises and blessings and achievements and memories. This year is different.
As I look back, as I think of the never-kept resolution I plan on making (and maybe keeping??) I can't help but experience something I never have before. The desire to live the year all over again...partially to relive experiences that happen literally once in a life-time (and I honestly cannot believe that at 23-years-old, these experiences have already passed me!) and partially to do things a bit differently.
This year has been jam packed for me. Graduation, applying to internships, getting married, traveling for weeks on end, the birth of babies, the loss of friends, the leaving of others for extended time, marriages, break-ups and the list continues. In all honesty, for a great deal of this 2009 I was very lonely. I was overloaded with trying to graduate, plan a wedding, not go crazy, keep up with friends, family, a fiance and my own personal needs. No, I did not succeed at an 110% in all of these categories, or in fact any of these categories. Neither did I meaningfully neglect any of these categories. I spread myself thin enough to get everything done without losing my mind. And in that, honestly, this year I was selfish. I didn't do anything I didn't want to. I focused on my classes, because I wanted to. I focused on my wedding, because I wanted to. I focused on how alone I was but, only becuase I wanted to. In applying, and getting rejected from internship after internship and realizing that perhaps dietetics isn't what I'm meant to spend my life doing, I cried a lot....because I wanted to. On the positive side, I worked hard and I kicked ass, becuase I wanted to.
In the close of 2009 (although many times I was a selfish being and I would do anything to go back and be more compassionate towards others) I cannot believe the over all outcome. The birthday of our Lord and Savior nears by the hour and it is because of Him that this year has been so full. At a time where we are able to look back, and subsequently look forward, I am overwhelemd with how blessed I am.