Thoughts on Marriage After Year 1: Part 2

...Talking to myself yes, but sort of directing my story to two specific folks I have connected with over random relationship talk in the recent past. It went something like this;

"I dunno. I just knew. I mean, OK, here it goes. The year I turned 20, I cried. I imagined myself experiencing so much more by then. Silly I know but that's how I felt. The night before I turned 20, I believe I spoke with my friend Michael-spoke through sobs, yes. Anyway, long story short I decided a number of things between the years 20 and 21. I actually can't be sure if the word "decide" actually fits what happened throughout that year however-I took action-lets say that.

Specifically, I literally dropped out of school (CWU) after applying to a school I really didn't think I'd get into (SPU-enter self doubt), without actually knowing if I was even going to get into ANY school. I was, literally school-less. Spent all summer in Seattle with a topic to be lightly discussed later. Decided to take a quarter off school all together once accepted to said school I thought I'd never get into (SPU), for reasons I personally know but will not share here out of complete embarrassment and disgust with myself. After summer spent mainly in Seattle I actually moved to Seattle, spent many nights alone and friendless, alone and pretty bored. I remember frequently waking up with a heart full of panic thinking, "what am I going to do today?" followed by another handful of hours of sleep. I didn't know what to do with my time outside of my 39.5 hours of work. I slept until noon, walked Mini for 2-4 hours and then ate if I remembered.

During the summer prior to moving to Seattle however (that topic to be lightly discussed later)-I met a boy. I devoted far too much of my time time, my emotional sanity and well generally speaking myself into this "dude" and (enter Kirty avoiding exceptionally long story regarding making decisions with a "yes" answer when well...I knew (there it is again...knewwwww!) the answer really should have been "no.") long story short, at the end of "dude" I moved in with my sister, ended up taking classes, sleeping and working and that was it. Apparently not much had changed from my seemingly endless quarter off school. My free time was spent in bed. I wanted to start fresh, I felt like after my poor decision making that this was my chance! I needed that chance. I had lost myself. Instead, I'd wake with just enough time to grab a red bull and get dressed for class, my confidence shot, the new girl who knew nobody. I'd come home, do any necessary HW (avoiding going the extra anything-no mile, no foot, no inch) and then sleep just to start all over again.

I quit working out, I quit walking Mini, I quit going to church. I sat around feeling dazed. Feeling so unlike who I thought I was. Eventually, I tried to hang out with the few people I knew in Seattle but everyone had lives here. I didn't. I wasn't 21 so I'd stay in, watching my sister and her gaggle of friends walk out the door with sweet comments, "wish you could come with us, Kirty!!!" I stayed home, my dog and me....and occasionally a good movie but mostly just Scrubs.

When I finally shook myself out of my momentary depression and decided, yet again, that this was going to be my fresh start I rekindled two of my closest friendships with Nicole and Kelsey. Kelsey and I hung out, she often invited me out and I often turned her down. She was 21, I was a loner at 20. She as always, was my bestie and although at our time together at CWU we didn't hang out much, she was relief and happiness to me as I was dragging myself out of no-where-ness. Nicole encouraged me to come meet her friends, go run errands, go to The Inn with her which I did-even though I again, the new and confident-less chic following around the cute, spunky, sorority sister, knew no one.

When I choose to go away for the summer through a program I found out about thanks to The Inn, I blamed Nicole. OK, OK I credited Nicole. I remember the day it dawned on me that I needed to do something. I need to DO SOMETHING with myself. What the hell was I doing?! I was directionless. I was friendless. Yes, I was finally yet slowly back into being a bit happier, meeting people at school, getting good grades, feeling like I had started to figure things out with my faith...slowly back on track! Finally! But a track to where? I wasn't going anywhere. I didn't know what I was doing.

Still feeling lost, I remember the announcement made about World Deputation. I remember looking over at Nicole and saying something about how cool it would be to do something like that. I was intrigued. I love to travel and especially when I can go abroad on donations, see the world, and work. I was in-9 weeks? Awesome. I was doing this. I didn't know where I was going or who I was going with (even if I found out right when I signed up who I was going with- I still wouldn't have known them-remember? confident-less, friend-less, direction-less Kirty....?!). I started the process. Interviews, group meetings, team building activities. For a month long period of time I hung out once a week with a group of 30-some students I knew nothing about. Many of them knew each other, many didn't, most were UW students, SPU students-recent grads. I was me. Alone. Really though-I was the one who knew no one. I jumped in full force and felt excited. I felt as if I was devoting myself to something. I became focused. I was excited! Did I say I was excited? I slowly was feeling like I was me again.

In the mean time, I turned 21. Had a modest gathering out that consisted of experiencing belltown for the first time, good food and drinking too much, floor cake and tears. I licked frosting off the paw of Mini and passed out, only to awake to skipping my Chem Lab with the worst hangover I have, to this day, ever had. Sometime within the week or so I turned 21, I re-met Andy.

See one year prior we had met at my sister's graduation party. I knew him from Lis. I had heard stories about her best friend Andy. Blah, blah, blah, that was it. Then, he started hanging out at our house. Driving up from Tacoma to hang out with Katie and Lis.

Andy's birthday was right after mine. We went out to dinner as a group, me and my sister's friends. We celebrated, well, we forced Andy to celebrate-who drinks like that on a Wednesday anymore? HA! Andy did. I don't remember all of the details but we awkwardly sat by one another, forced by the likes of Katie Schrenk and Gretchen Kurz at Brouwers in Fremont. For unknown reasons goldschlager was involved. The next morning I came down to Andy, on our couch looking...well needless to say the man needed water. Apparently, the 40-minute drive home to Tacoma was a rough one.

Until Part 3,

Peace and Love,


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