new again

lawd. it's difficult for me, looking back on this blog...how it's change and how i've changed. it's amazing actually. i remember a friend of mine, when i was younger (she, a few years older than i) told me that i have so much to learn and so much changing to come (due to my age, not my personality). she said this in a nice way, in an, "i've grown so much, you will too" way. i literally felt my eyes roll and thought to myself..."right...ok...sure."

now i look back and scream "RIGHT! OK! YES! SURE!" realizing she was correct....yes, i knew who i was then and i'm that same person now, but i've grown and learned so, so much...and will continue to do so...forever.

i look back on my posts from the past two years and am horrified and that sad, depressing, cranky, annoyed, irritable person i was (which i mostly attribute to working a terrible job with other gross, depressed people....that were, unlike myself, terrible, horrible human beings out to get other human beings and bring them to their terribly corrupt level in life).

i have changed, even from that moment. i've made the choice to be happy. yes, the choice. yes, many things in my life make me happy....but i take full responsibility for those emotions. i also take responsibility for how terribly i treated people and how terribly i treated myself. i take further responsibility for wasting two years of my life feeling lost, confused, and generally speaking angry and hated.

life is so much brighter now. yes, i'm still an anxious individual. yes i still fear and get sad and wish things were better/different/greener on my side. but sheet people, life is good. sure, my house (BLESSING NUMBER ONE) needs work, and it's exhausting and mostly i hate it. sure, my dogs (BLESSING NUMBER TWO) are a pain in my ass, often. yes, my husbands business (BLESSING NUMBER THREE) sucks time right away from he and i individually and he and i together, but it's a dream and it provides. of course i wish my home was bigger, my car was better, my abs were tighter, my husband was a hopeless romantic out of the movies, my dogs were so well behaved they would walk by my side leashless, my hair was longer and my family closer to the city. i also wish i had my cake and could eat it too...i mean HELLO REALITY. look at all of those blessings that are hidden in complaints (husband, health, pets, love, house, car, get job, hair for the love of God!)! these complaints are my strongholds, addictions and weaknesses. they used to get me bogged down and now i'm able to turn them into motivation. now i'm able to look at my wants and turn them in to numbers....the numbers that represent blessings being counted. i've turned them from downs to up and sheesh WHY wasn't i doing this earlier.

thanks for your patience. thanks for listen-reading to me complain, bitch and moan about a bunch of useless crap. thank you for allowing me to grow and realize things are beautiful and the world is a good place. thank you for helping me get back to me....that fun, spontaneous person who needs her downtime yes, but loves being out and about with her friends and family. that girl who loves a challenge, loves being active, loves having projects, loves finding inspiration, loves traveling and loves herself. thank you.