i read this in a...wait for it....blog. i know, you're surprised. i do in fact....read blogs. and watch too much tv. and eat too much candy and sleep in my husbands underwear....just being honest.
"...when you see what it is that you want, stop questioning whether it's yours to have or not. it is. if you know you need to make art, if see yourself on a stage, or in front of a classroom....that is yours. trust that timing will do the rest. you don't need to fall apart, or go off course trying to find it without a compass or proper hiking shoes....you've got this. stay there."
this got me. we're not talking the tangible. sure i want a new car and a bigger house and a better body but that's not what we're talkin' here. we're talking the desires of your heart. the real wants that can be translated into needs.
you see, many months ago....i had a breakdown (I KNOW! another surprise...). my poor husband. i think i have these "breakdowns" more often than i think he can stand. but he hangs in there...anyway, that's another post.
i remember this one specifically b/c it was in regards to having a baby and finishing my house. i knew they were things i wanted and i knew they were things that would happen, someday. but it was that "someday" part that really got me. WHEN? when would they happen??! WHEN!!!??
the quote from above is written by a lovely blogger who seems to speak directly to my needs. i'm pretty sure it's just god in blog form, mostly telling me things can be worse and that i'm ok (duh!!!). this blog entry was on "breaking" or "taking a break" or "breaking down." and it reminded me of a time, of the many times, where i couldn't stand the lack of control. i knew what my goal was, i knew what it was i needed to feel....for lack of a better word, satisfied...but it wasn't in my control. it's never in my control. naturally (for me) i broke down into a sobbing, irrational mess.
the time mentioned above happened on a freezing day and resulted in me with some sort of rake and my yard waste container and tears....it wasn't pretty and andy wouldn't really come near me, just talk to me from a distance. i think he was scared. i can laugh about it now....it wasn't really funny at the time...
but i let it break me. i let this wave of desire and lack of control rip me apart. i went totally "off course trying to find it without a compass or proper hiking shoes...." i don't trust time. i rarely trust in many things or people for that matter and i absolutely don't trust in time. i need to.
i need to learn. it's god's timing, it's not mine. if my life was on my timing....oooo just the thought of that is so endlessly frightening. i don't really know what my message is, or what my thoughts even are.....or, for that matter why i'm sharing them.
maybe just as a reminder to myself. maybe hoping that, in reminding myself i can sooth others who are raking with tears and a scared husband....who knows.
maybe we can learn to trust in time together....even if that timing is the digital clock on my telephone at work telling me it's only 3:56pm.....LONGEST DAY EVER.